The first MFA reading of the school year is this Saturday, and guess what, I am one of the three readers! Yay! I am excited and nervous, but mostly looking forward to the social aspect of the night.
There may be something wrong at some level that I am more excited to see a large group of people in a social setting than I am about my first graduate reading, but I really am struggling with the lack of social interaction here. It's not that people aren't nice; everyone is very nice! And it's not that I don't do *anything* socially, but it is just a very different atmosphere for me. I miss my friends in Columbus, and I miss my easy, comfortable concept of myself. All of that is thrown into question here: am I smart enough? am I talented enough? do I work hard enough? along with other questions of sexual and class identity that I just didn't have to think about after establishing my life in Columbus. Starting over in a new place forces me to re-establish an identity here with a new group of people. It is very much an existential crisis, as someone phrased it yesterday.
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2 comments:
I always watch I <3 Huckabees when I'm having an existential crisis . . .
I think the fact that you're looking forward to the social aspect more than you're sweating the reading provides a sliver of testimony that you really have no cause to question yourself. Somewhere in there, you're solidly assured that you're good enough :)
Though I know what you mean about questions of sexual and class identity . . . I stick out like an severed thumb where I live now!
Thanks, Marita! I don't own "I <3 Huckabees" but that would be a very good thing to watch during an existential crisis!
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