Done :)

Posted an end of semester wrap-up post over at The MFA Chronicles last night, if you want a nice neat summary of the semester.

This morning, M and I went to campus, he printed off his paper, turned it in, then we went for a celebratory lunch of beer and nachos. It was quite a lovely end to the semester, although I already know I'll miss him a lot.

My ankle hurts (drunk me slipped on the ice Friday night), and I still have to turn in grades, then plan my departure from State College, but I'm pretty proud of surviving my first semester of grad school, and it was fun to celebrate it today before M leaves town.

The end of the semester

It is hard to believe that the first semester of my MFA program is all but over. Right now, all I have left to do is teach one last class this afternoon, then grade papers and submit grades by next Wednesday, and then I’ll be free from school obligations until January 11th!

I started trying to reflect on the semester, and I still can’t make any sense. Maybe next week, after I’ve turned in grades, after I’ve gotten my celebratory haircut, after M has left.

Things I Cannot Say

Some days I feel stupider than I can ever remember feeling, frustrated with my lack of knowledge, my lack of language, my inability to join the conversation. Sometimes I question what I'm doing here, and what I will do next. Do I want the PhD? Do I believe, at any level, that I'm capable of it? Is it taking the easy way out by not even trying to apply? Do I really want it? Or do I just want to write and teach? Is teaching my calling, even more than writing?

The questions only breed more questions.

But I don't have to know right now.

---

Sometimes I don't know how I got so lucky, to be where I am right now, to have found what I've found, against my will, against all my expectations. Some moments are too beautiful to experience with my eyes open; the only way to keep from crying is to close my eyes and rest my face against your neck. Sometimes I want to say it too.

Happy Halloween

It's about 12:30am. I just cleaned the kitchen and I'm drinking decaf tea. I have so much I *should* be doing right now, but I'm mentally blocked.

It's been a busy week, and I have run into a couple of interesting teaching situations this week as well. Up until Wednesday, I had enjoyed a remarkably smooth teaching experience -- I like my students, they seem to like me, they do what I ask them to, they write well, etc. No drama, no problems, no complaints. I've heard from people in my teaching mentor group and in our larger teaching seminar about all sorts of issues that have come up in other classes, and I've felt really lucky. Well, Wednesday I had my first student try to argue a grade, and yesterday I got an email from one of my students with a whole lot of information about personal struggles. Just stressful things, added onto an already hectic week.

There are only five weeks left of the semester, plus the Thanksgiving Break. That's kind of terrifying, the thought of all I have yet to accomplish this semester! And I also made my Thanksgiving plans, which is always a stressful endeavor where my family is concerned. This year particularly so, as I will be attending my family dinner for the first time in three years. I've also been forced to make some tentative plans for the winter break as well; I say forced like it's a bad thing. Instead, it's a very good thing. I'm flying to San Francisco for New Years! But this did make me start thinking about the rest of break and mapping out the logistics of everything. More stress.

However, it is Halloween weekend, and that makes everything better! I got a fabulous 80s dress today and some hot pink tights to go with it. I need to get some jewelry and some lace gloves tomorrow and a tiara - I want a tiara - and I am really looking forward to the EGO party Saturday night! I've gotten a few things done tonight in terms of school work, but I have much more to do before the party.

Work hard, play hard, that's what MFAs do, right?

Creation, etc.

Thinking about what art is, what power(s) we invest into the objects we create, how they become independent entities, about the ability of narration to create meaning, how experiences become real. About Nietzsche and Rushdie, significance and identity and language, about poetry, about the physical world, my physical body, the triumph of mind and community over physical weakness. About love, what it is, what it isn't, what it has been, what it should be. About gender, its irrelevance, its social construction, about the way life surprises me. About time, the sublime, and drinking wine.....

(Just threw that last one in because it rhymes, but it's also true.)

Let this suffice for an update: this is week 9, we got snow last Thursday in PA, I ran my half-marathon in Columbus on Sunday, I am busy, and I am happy in ways I never expected.

An exercise in procrastination

Things I love (or strongly like) right now:
1) coffee
2) walking to McKinnon’s from Burrowes to get coffee (far enough that I feel like I’m getting a break, but close enough that it’s not too much of one)
3) a glass of red wine while writing
4) a neighbor and friend who always tells me when she’s going to buy wine so I can tag along and replenish my supply
5) Salman Rushdie’s essay “Imaginary Homelands”
6) my chapbook proposal
7) that my bedroom smells like flowers
8) that someone bought me flowers
9) the prospect of a weekend in Columbus
10) the prospect of a haircut in Columbus
11) the super warm sweater I’m wearing tonight
12) the super comfy boots I bought last weekend

Week 7 Update (WHAT?)

Is it really Week 7 already? How the heck did time go so fast? The crazy paradox of grad school, for me at least, is that each day is incredibly long (remember that schedule I posted last week? yeah, being on campus for 10 hours is not uncommon for me, nor is staying up way too late reading and/or writing) but each week goes by so fast. I've been a bit unfocused for the past week or so but still managing to keep up. Over the next week, I have fourteen more papers to grade before Friday (ten are done), a draft of my chapbook proposal to get ready for conference with my prof tomorrow, lessons to plan for Friday, Monday, and Wednesday, a book on bibliographic and textual scholarship to read by Monday, a few articles to read and a reflection to write for Tuesday, two chapbooks to read, a final draft of the chapbook proposal, and a poem due for Wednesday. Plus a five mile run tomorrow, a short run Friday, at least ten miles on Sunday, then taper runs next week. And plans with friends and other social entities.

But, you know what, it's good. I like it. I'm busy, but I'm happier than I expected to be. And I'm going to Columbus a week from tomorrow - seeing friends, enjoying some good food and some city life, running a half-marathon, getting a haircut, and stocking up on wine!