A Poem for Jade, Upon My Acceptance to Graduate School

Here is the poem I mentioned that I wrote last night.

A Poem for Jade, Upon My Acceptance to Graduate School

Windows rattle with a suddenness
that startles the cat from the back
of the couch. She glares green-eyed
at me as though I called this wind.

Maybe I did. There was news today,
good news, the future I’ve been chasing
is now marked boldly on the calendar.
The wind batters this apartment, but we
have weathered worse and I trust these walls.

In six months I will not know the strength
of the glass and brick surrounding me,
if walls will leak or break or bend.
The cat will be with me, ready
to place blame where it is due.

How poets celebrate

After posting that slightly delirious update yesterday about getting accepted to Penn State, I had a glass of wine, calmed down, had some dinner, then baked brownies from scratch and walked up to the grocery store to buy ice cream to go with them. I half-heartedly tried to recruit a few friends for a celebratory drink, but as it was 9pm on a very windy and rainy Wednesday, no one was biting. So, I settled myself on the couch, with brownies and ice cream and wine, and I opened the new Moleskine journal I got for my birthday last month, and I wrote a poem for my new cat.

That's how poets celebrate.

1 down, 8 to go

ACCEPTED to Penn State today!!!!!!

Yay, I am so excited, and it doesn't even feel real! I wish I had something on paper, or even in email so I could look at it, and prove to myself that the phone call really happened. But, anyway, yeah.... I had felt all day like something was going to happen today. I stopped at the library after work, and had just gotten in the car afterward and backed out of my parking spot, when I felt my phone start buzzing in my pocket. I fished it out, area code 814. I had no idea where that was, and was half expecting a telemarketer, but I answered. A woman asked for Emily. I said it was. She said "This is Julia Kasdorf, at Penn State." I think my response was "Oh, hi, how are you?" like she was an old friend or something. She asked me if it was sunny outside, and I said, no, it's pouring down rain. We talked about the weather for a minute, then she told me that they were accepting me to the program AND offering me a fellowship. All tuition paid, a stipend, one semester of teaching, one without teaching, health insurance. Wow! I didn't know what to say. I was grinning. I think I said "this is so exciting" about a dozen times. She talked about the program, how they're only taking 2 new poets for next year, how closeknit and cooperative it is, how the MFAs this year have submission parties where they all print out poems and get together to mail them out to magazines. There is some sort of weekend open house in March, where they invite all the newly accepted students to campus, to meet faculty and current students, AND they'll help pay for me to come. Isn't that fantastic? We talked for about 15 minutes, she said they'll send me the offer letter and everything by mail, and the graduate secretary will call me about that weekend visit (which happily falls on a weekend where I don't have to work).

I came inside and realized I was shaking. I just couldn't stop smiling. I texted some of my friends, and updated my facebook status. I'm such a dork! But I am so relieved to know that I at least have one acceptance with funding! I know that I would be happy there, so I am super happy, and am, in a way, even more anxious to hear the rest of my results so I know what all my options are.

But, anyway, yay! I am so excited!!!!!

Another Monday night

passes with red wine and poems. David Baker read at the Poetry Forum; Ann Townsend was our scheduled reader but wasn't feeling well, so he filled in. As he put it good-naturedly: proof that ex-husbands are good for something. He read a couple of the same poems I heard him read last year, but mostly different ones, and I enjoyed his reading a lot, even though I'd been curious to hear her. Open Mic was good, almost without exception. I read a second draft of that "Miracle" poem I mentioned the other day. I think it's going to be a poem I end up liking a lot. Was also going to read something out of The Best of Best American Poetry 1988-1997 - Anthony Hecht's fantastic villanelle Prospects but hadn't had a chance to read it aloud and felt like I would mess it up, so just read my own poem. Came home, wrote a partial first draft of something I'd thought of last week, and tried to write the poem I threatened to write on Friday (making fun, a bit, of the lead singer of a band we were watching).

Waiting, sometimes patiently, for any answers from grad schools. I heard that Penn State has notified nonfiction and fiction people, but so far no poetry acceptances.... And, as of yesterday, the English department at Cleveland State hadn't received the material I mailed the end of January. That's a bit worrisome, as it included my recommendation letters, which I can't just print off another copy of, but the woman I spoke with didn't seem too concerned; she seemed to think that it was on campus somewhere but hadn't made its way into her hands yet. Quite possible, I suppose, and I can't worry too much about it right now.

A February Lament

(For what it's worth, I'm actually having quite a decent week. Just so as no one is worried about me after reading this.)


A February Lament

i.

I slide from door to sidewalk to car
to work, feet slipping on ice that will not
melt no matter how many times
I follow the path. I slid from your bed
to the door, down the stairs, and home.
I slip on patterns I've followed for years.
I walk in my sleep toward the guillotine.

ii.

Cold surrounds my bed
even with the heavy blanket
of lavender plaid. You said
it was too hot with our bodies
under the blanket, too cold
without it. We failed
to find temperance.

iii.

I had coffee with my exgirlfriend
and saw for the first time
grey strands in her hair.
She is four years younger
than I, and I know my darkness
is borrowed, running out.

iv.

The ice cracks under foot today,
the weekend will bring a thaw
before freezing smooth again
and even more dangerous. The blade
of winter hovers, one thin rope
of sunshine keeps my head attached.

My knees are frozen to the ground,
my hands are tied firmly
by thirty years of loneliness.

I can not get out of my own way.

Let's Rumba

If I haven't mentioned before, the Poetry Forum moved to the Rumba Cafe from its previous home at Larry's. I miss Larry's, but I think the new venue will work out fine. Monday's reading was interesting, in that the scheduled featured reader couldn't make it, so we just had a really long Open Mic. It was cool though, because everyone signed up, and we ran through the list once and everyone read two poems. I read an old (very sad) one from my senior year of college called "There Are No Bad Fridays" and then a short, fluffy one I wrote at Larry's which doesn't have a title yet. Then we went through the list a second time and everyone got to read one more piece. I didn't have anything else of my own that I wanted to read, so I read Stephen Dunn's "Desire" which is one of my favorites.

I've started writing three different poems this week. One is based off my misreading of a title of something Stacey posted recently. Her title was "Lament for a Modern Danae" which I read as "Lament for a Modern Dance" so that is the poem I am writing. I also did a list poem called "This Heart" which was more of an exercise in catharsis than poetics. And I wrote a draft of a poem I'm calling "Miracle". It starts something like....

Not every step breaks through.
I can walk for yards on water
albeit frozen.

Too much information

I have decided that, in the process of applying to grad school, there is such a thing as too much information. The MFA blog has been such a great resource throughout the process, but the up-to-the-minute updates about who's been accepted have really added to my stress level and feelings of inadequacy over the past week or so. (Other factors and questions have also played into that, but those are now settled). So I'm going to stop checking the blog and just go on about my life and try to relax and know that acceptances and rejections will come when and from where they are meant to come.

So, one last time, in something resembling an order of preference, here is my list....

1) Alabama - like I said earlier, my heart fell when I heard that some people have already been accepted, but as long as I haven't been rejected yet, for all I know, I could be next on their list if someone decides to go elsewhere. I just got such a good vibe from this program, and the warm weather is highly appealing right now!

2) Wisconsin - one of my neighbors has Wisconsin license plates and every time I see her car I think how much I'd like to go there!

3) Michigan - I've never felt that I had much chance of getting in, but had to try.

4) NEOMFA/Cleveland State - this is closer to home, and therefore very appealing to my panicked self. The idea of moving 2 hours away is much less terrifying than moving across the country. Plus it's such an innovative program, being housed at 4 separate universities. I just sent this application out last week, so no expectation of hearing for quite some time.

5) Columbia College, Chicago - Chicago is such a cool place and I've heard good things about Columbia from poet friends of mine. This was my second to last application to send in, and I don't think their deadline is up till Feb 15th, so again no expectation to hear soon.

6) Penn State - they emailed me a week or two back to say that my file was complete, and they were going to start reading soon, and would notify their first choices by late February. Contact with them has felt positive, though they made it onto my list in a really haphazard, intuitive, way.

7) Colorado State - for some reason, I felt really good about the application I sent them. They had some different requirements, and it seemed like my material broke down differently there than with my other apps, but I felt like I sent a good, complete package. They don't fund everyone, so my fear is getting in without funding and having to make that choice.

8) West Virginia - I have warm fuzzies for WVU. Always have. I guess this is the place I feel I have the best chances of getting in, just because there's less recognition and less competition, but I would still be very happy to go there. Plus it's only about 3 hours from home. In my head, it's low on the list because it doesn't have the prestige of most of the other programs, but in my heart, it's a lot higher up.

9) Minnesota - see Alabama re: people already being accepted here, but MN is at the bottom of my list because this past month of winter in Ohio has made me seriously doubt my ability to survive winter in Minnesota.

Now, no more talk of grad school until I have some responses!